I see you in 5 years
‘And so on this day it begins. On this day I commit to live at least 5 years of my life. On this day and with this book I commit to living for at least another 5 years.’
Manchester, 1 st of February 2020.
Brexit is now official!
At the Whitworth museum.
As I visit the various exhibitions I hold my bag very close to me…. There is a book in it on a radical way of tackling depression and despair that I had just found at the local second hand shop. I keep walking around until I find ‘A Long Memory’ by Elizabeth Price. I am blown away by the courage of her work and stay and stay with it. I duly visit the museum shop that is about to close, despite knowing that I cannot really afford anything. But then my eyes land on this one book: ‘One Line a Day – A five-year memory book’
Enlivenment! A total rush throughout my entire body! An epiphany!
As I see this little yet compact book my desire to touch it is very satisfied by the natural feel of the canvas cover.
‘What if I just commit to 5 years! I don’t have to decide about if life is worth living in its entirety, I only worry about living for the next 5 years. Yes! I can do that! And in 5 years I will be 50!!!’
I am no shy to share that I am a survivor of a long term mental illness and despite the recover of the main issue, certain mindsets and challenges had remained and hunted me for so many years. One of them is the relentlessness of suicidal thoughts*. Relentlessness… But this book had provided me with a window where this question can be paused for a while. Immediately I felt so much energy released from that incredible tight spot! Gratitude!
And so the 5 years have begun! I am not sure what this will become! But it is on!
*Suicidal thoughts are very common, but people don’t talk about it because of the fear of association to mental illness or because of shame. For me to disclose about these thoughts is scary! It is not to get you worried about me, (I am actually doing really well). Instead is an opportunity to free up a space where the word ‘suicide’ is not full of stigmas, pain and hiding…. instead a potential of growth, compassion and individual + community resilience.